to consider loving myself

tfs

I met him on a night out.
Basement club. Small, grungy, hollowed out cocoon of fairy-lighted rooms.
He was a friend of a friend of a friend, and at first I didn't think much of him. Slightly strained conversation over one too many beers.
Later we got lost in the dancefloor, and with his hand in mine the memories get hazy.
TaxiKeysStairsBed.
I was expecting... I don't know, what I always expect. Decent, cold, impersonal.
I turned the light off.
He turned it back on.
"You look prettier with the light on" he said.
In the morning there was no quick exit. I didn't wake to the rustling of sheets, the creaking of the bed and the mumble of
"I'll see you later"
There was no ache in my chest, no bitter taste.
He kissed my head, his arm wound round my waist and fingers tangled together.
"Morning." he said.
You get used to it, I guess. Being treated like shit. You begin to lower your expectations.
I don't care if it was just a night, because that one night means more to me then so many others put together.
And it wasn't because I loved him. I barely knew him.
But suddenly it had became a lot easier for me to consider loving myself.

N

i want that night

weheartit/tumblr

we

fotolog

This is a happy one, or at least it is to me.

After not even three months, I'm almost positive that I want to stay here in this city with him. The east coast, for all its prestigious colleges and historic cities, doesn't hold any interest for me anymore.

I think I'd rather stay here and go to PNCA with Jordan than some university that has alumni everywhere. I'd probably end up riding a stupid fixed gear and staying vegan.
We'd shop at outdoor farmers markets for produce during the summer and grow some of our own vegetables in the backyard. Of course, over time our house would get better and it would truly be both of ours instead of just pretending that I'd moved in. There would be weekends of too much Pabst, weekends of not enough. One of us would have to start gauging. We'd drink tea out of glass jars. Buy local. Go by train. Solar energy. 100% recycled. I'll get hooked on coffee too.

And then eventually we'd grow up and stop going to house shows. Everyone will (hopefully) do less drugs. Lose the wildness of youth and everything will be tamer. We'll start caring about city taxes and go out for breakfast on the weekends to read the newspaper and then come home clean the house. We'll meet our friends in lounge night clubs instead of dirty houses.
I don't know if the city will stay the same, but at least the rain will, and the summers too.

I'm really not romantic at all. I've never been one to fantasize about getting married, I don't care about kids, and I've never even been one to fantasize about the future with anyone, except him. I just know that staying here would make me happier than anything because I want to be anywhere my love is.

x

i will always think of you...

plastic-sfoonss + tumblr

why

unknown

What are two years, 730 days, 17520 hours.
For me it was a time of up`s down`s and inbetweens.
The moments you showed me how important I was for you and how much I loved you were incredible.
The moments you demonstrated that you were superior and that I meant nothing were ......hell.
I always fought for you and made things work. Because even if it doesn`t work out it still was worth it, that`s what my father taught me. On christmas you told me you loved me and wanted to work for our relationship but to be honest you never really have.
Not when you left me when my mother had cancer, not when you left me when I had an abortion and not when you left me because we had a long distant vacation.
I am not a masochist and I know that you are a good person. The question that I keep asking myself is why you can`t show it to me. Why are you so scared of love? Why can`t you try to work on your baggage that you carry around with you.
I know what a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and special person I am. Why can`t you see that?
Someone once said:'I will accept you for who you are, not for how I want you to be.'
Maybe I could never accept how you were because I knew your potential. I know that this could have been a great love story.
So now that`s it`s over and I know better why is it bugging me so much. Why do I bother with the fact that I want you to show me how important I am to you because I know I am.
I really want to call, write or send smoke signals but I know that is a bad idea. I am hurt and my imagination of love has been shattered in some way that`s why I am scared of saying something I will regret.
But at the same time you will never call me or write to me. You will ... you won`t do anything.
When we broke up I knew it was the right thing and I felt fine but now the bad feelings sneaked in.
I need to let go completely. It hurts so bad.
This is written by the Optimist for her so called Realist.
Too bad you didn`t try, you don`t know what you`re going to miss one day.

-Bises de la France and thanks for 'listening'.

prove

icanread.tumblr

someday

weheartit

I feel that i need to tell this to someone. Actually not just someone- but to everyone. Everyone who needs to hear this because I'm so sick of keeping my mouth shut about it.

My close friend has been going through a break with her boyfriend. I'm not even going to give her the title of calling it a break up because it wouldn't be fair to people who have actually been through a break up. They are completely predictable as a couple and it goes a little something like this. Girl and Boy love each other, girl get's annoyed with boy and wants to be single, OR boy feels like she isn't the one- so boy and girl fight a lot, and i mean A LOT- girl acts like a bitch, boy calls girl a bitch- and thus they end up in a break. However after a week, or a month tops, they're right back into their beautifully effed up relationship acting like the world is perfect and they've made the biggest mistakes of their lives by parting. Lather, rinse, and repeat. It's pathetic to watch, really. And honestly, this isn't the only friend I've seen do this. My other friend is broken up with her boyfriend but spends every second with him still. I mean- HELLO! - why did you even break up to begin with? I see it all the time. Even people i don't know. I mean, if i see another changed relationship status on facebook, I'm going to scream. It's like clockwork with some people. They're broken up- no back together- oh wait, now they're broken up- aaaand back together!

Call me bitter, but it makes me so mad to see it sometimes. Especially when my friend comes crying to me. I know i should be a great friend and listen, and don't get me wrong... i do; i sit there and listen and offer my best advice from the heart but deep down inside i just want to take her by the shoulders and shake her compulsively while screaming "you have no idea!". Because really, she doesn't have any idea. None of these back and forth couples do. They have no idea what it's like to be completely ripped and pushed away from someone you love and be forced to let go...to have to deal with the pain that comes with someone giving up on you and wanting nothing to do with you ever again, just like that. I know i shouldn't care but this is why: I've been through that kind of break up. I had my heart literally ripped from my chest, through the ribs, thrown on the floor in front of me, stepped on, spit on, and kicked. Twice. By the same boy. I was so completely heart broken i couldn't function, and truthfully, i'm still healing even months later. It killed me. So seeing all of these couples get back together, or make a huge fuss when they're on a break because to them it's the end of the world to even think of letting go, even though realistically they'll be back with each other in a month give or take, makes me want to roll my eyes or smack them in the head. Sometimes i wish it could be me. And it was briefly. I took back a crappy relationship and you know what it was the second time around? Crap. Big shocker there. And i sometimes look at these couples that get back together and i still wish it could be me. That like all the other guys i see, my ex will come busting through my door with a bouquet of roses and tears in his pathetic eyes, begging to start something over again. But you know what? It didn't happen for me and it will never happen for me and that's something that makes you strong.

So this one goes out to all of the people how have been broken but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn't a part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love even after all of the hurt their heart has endured.

For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it's better just to let go.

This one is for you. We'll get our happy ending someday.

-K